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happy new year, 2024! i hope this year is sweeter to you, sending all my love 🫂
#🌙 talks#i always feel anxious around this time#but i journaled earlier#so i don’t feel too bad right now :’)#i’m gonna curl up in bed and watch something happy#i wish i all the best#<3
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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It's pomegranate season :)
A redraw of this piece from around a year ago
#hello guys...(:#i started school back in mid September! its hell#and my chronic pain is rly bad these days i can barely do anything#and my next break will be spent at the hospital#but love and light at least we're trucjing along and getting somewhere hopefully#this drawing isn't exactly the most finished the most effortful what have you but its all i can guve you#confession time: idk if i have it in me to keep drawing the guys#dont get me wrong still adore them. but i feel a little out of it#maybe this'll change the second i post this but whatever.#i had an amazing time being active in the fandom you guys are so sweet and you got me thru rough patches <3#I'll still be around just even more inactive#anyway i hope you enjoy this!!!#i feel like I've improves substantially which is good#cwilbur#dsmp fanart#my art#thx to everyone that's loved my art yall hold a special place in my heart#alright bye bye xoxo#ps esteemed mutuals and lovely audience never hesitate talking to me i am always around and i love ppl I'm just socially anxious#fennec.art
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The man truly can’t take a genuine compliment 🙄
#my art stuff#digital art#baldur's gate 3#bg3#astarion#astarion ancunin#this is part of a series I like to call “I’m never settling on a singular detailed artstyle”#I have no consistency in drawing realistic people/characters other than my shapy cartoon style#but I truly don’t get enough opportunity to properly shade anything with art in that style-!!! it always looks weird to me-!!!!!#I think some rude lil worm in my brain is wriggling around telling me it’s a futile attempt at still doing realism#cus I’m one of those “gifted” artists that grew up promising his parents he’ll end up among the big names or whatever#constantly training to become better at art but with realism oil paintings as the goal#you know how it is 😔#I wanna shade my lil funky designs but they never feel good enough to really put energy into or whatever so I compromise with stuff -#- like this where I try to draw characters more accurately while still stylizing them and shading them however I feel like it#which is great and all but I should really learn to give my more relaxed and less perfectionist art a chance#I deserve to enjoy the process and the result without working myself dead#it’s so much easier and rewarding to copy cartoon styles - stylizing realism makes me too anxious of doing it “wrong”#at least cartoon styles give me a goal to reach or a reference to strive towards#man I really should just cut myself some slack altogether#either way - this man is a flustered mess and he’s embarrassed about being called adorable in public or something#being teased in an affectionate way about his sweeter side and stuff#don’t ask why he’s shirtless - anatomy is just a lot more fun for me to draw sometimes#tasteful nudity and all that is extremely gorgeous to me#i need to practice anatomy more cus I just kinda did some shit and went with it this time with a BIT of consideration for muscle structure
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hi fellow neurodivergent people
i hate to jump on the "i think i might have adhd" bandwagon, but if i think i might have adhd, how do i bring it up to my care team as a 28-year-old cis woman who was a massive overachiever until i couldn't keep up the ruse anymore?
#idk what happened when i got laid off it seriously is like my brain BROKE i cannot do anything#i have not done much of anything in a year. and i think it's bc my coping mechanisms were 1. self-medicate but ESPECIALLY do that while#2. overcommitting. because it kept me busy and distracted. i excelled in school because i could focus on it without it giving me anxiety#school was honestly almost the only thing that didn't give me anxiety as a kid. and i never felt quite Right like i didn't feel like i fit#in with my peers. i've always felt like a human being that isn't a person. like something's not quite right. i excel but i feel like i'm#doing it wrong because it's SO hard for me. i graduated my BA and BS programs with a 4.0#but it came with the cost of alienating all of my friends and family and becoming really reclusive and weird and distant and anxious#but i really just wanted to do well at the one thing i felt i was good at. which doesn't seem like something i should take note of#idk. my life feels like a claustrophobic box. i feel like i'm buried alive and i can't get myself out because i can't work#because i can't focus. but maybe i'm just stupid and lazy and want everyone to take care of me forever so i can continue laying around doin#fuck all. which i do a lot because i'm chronically ill. idk. like is there ground to stand on here. i literally have zero friends rn#and i feel so so so sos so anxious any time i am working because i worry i'm going to do something wrong or forget to do something or make#lots of mistakes that get me in trouble. i'm so scared of making mistakes it keeps me from doing anything at all. but i get so anxious bc#i'm not doing anything! i'm wasting time! and i can't focus on anything when i AM working because i have to get up and pace#like i HAVE to move around or i start to feel like i need to peel my skin off like i'm an orange#like. is it anything at all. or is this just me being someone who has Other Stuff going on
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finished reading "tell me I'm worthless," which was an interesting experience. I think there's something really good for you in your soul to be able to understand the genre conventions you're in and the kinds of structures and language and character that can be explored in these genres. I think about how people tend to -- with fiction about marginalisation and/or about people who are marginalised as a blanket whole, regardless of the story -- operate on a checklist of dos and donts, but mainly donts: don't ever tell us a deadname, don't ever use these "problematic" words to describe them/or have them describe themselves in this way, don't ever describe negative emotions or "problematic" emotions, don't let the characters have harmful traits (either towards themselves or others), don't hurt your characters at all actually, don't make your characters politically uncomfortable or "problematically" complicated in their political outlook and/or journey, don't make your characters be assholes ever, certainly don't traumatise your characters, and under no circumstance do you kill your characters!
which of course, this book does praaaactically every one of these things, thank goodness
#with the deadname Thing i am reminded of responses to the last of us part 2 and tbh also the latest doctor who specials#there's a kneejerk reaction as if writers/directors have outed someone's actual deadname or as if knowing that someone has#a deadname will invalidate them to a non-trans audience#lot of scar-tissue that aches around all of these points generally and horror has the ability to kick down the door on that and say#you do not have to read this story -- but this will be in this story. so if you are ready to approach these themes and these ideas#this is a safe structure -- the walls of a book or a screen or a play or an audio drama or wherever you are#my issues have very much been around social coding and not understanding what is and isnt allowed and an intense anxiety around#always saying the exact right thing at all times (not just in marginalised spaces but everywhere all the time)#(im doing it right now actually -- getting anxious about all this phrasing)#(this book is opening up pathways in my brain)#very much a meta piece as well -- it knows and acknowledges shirley jackson especially but ofc also angela carter and du maurier#and i did feel a smigeon of clive barker in there and then he was in the acknowledgements too#i have not read the last person listed so helen oyeyemi goes on the list#im reading books#alison rumfitt#tell me im worthless
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Fire Emblem Awakening families in my play through…
#tried to go off of kid impressions to think of who would be fun/fitting for their fathers..#also kind of off if age within reason lol#and wanted a good balance while keeping w dramatic irony#like I think Lon’qu simply should have a daughter and a daughter who is a LOT…#kellam tharja is funny but like quiet father to Noire with her mother’s dark side..#also Yarne is so anxious and stressed all the time I think Frederick fits as a total worrywart…#+ gaius motivates gerome’s whole look.. he crafts… he doesn’t have a reason to stick around until of course he does…#his son working to not get attached because if he does it’ll hurt more than it already does..#inigo looks like chrom already and also I think legend father gives him that bravado but also sense of always measuring up… secret shyness.#and silly boy with serious older sister is fun…#also I just think Anna is funny and kinda meta in that she has her shops and is the DLC load screen and I couldn’t feel a pull for anyone#else w (male) Robin… because I think he is in love with Chrom lol… they are so beards#like to me vaike is too close to Owain to be his father.. Virion is too close to inigo and also can’t see it w Olivia anyway#sorry stahl I just couldn’t see him with anyone….#Libra was obsessed w emmeryn and also is gay imo..#and say’ri idk she appeared so late…#fire emblem#fire emblem awakening
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Finally done with teen wolf rewatch. Phew
#took me like 3 months#thought I was gonna watch a few eisodes I like because I was feeling nostalgic one evening now I finished the whole thing lol#not the movie tho I don't vibe with it#one of a few things I noticed is that scott smiles fondly at stiles' remarks a lot :')#anyway thinking about how each character change along the way#lydia is like a completely different character from the first seasons#since I'm biased I love the dynamic change with scott and stiles#like they kinda swapped roles a bit but still remain themselves??#scott develops from an awkward teen only caring about living normal life when he has more people to protect and learning to become a leader#he's almost unrecognizable from the first ep too#for stiles. he has character development of course but I think he himself hasn't changed much#even if he said they're not kids running in the woods anymore#he's still the mischievous sarcastic lil guy we know showing up at scott's house. running around looking for trouble & helping people#he always has that dark & anxious side#it's us that know more and more about different sides of him as the story goes on#from the start it's just the two of them against the world. now they're holding hands with their friends facing the world#anyway this show did get a little weird and inconsistent which is not surprising consider how long it went#the scripts also revolve around actor/actress availability also#so many characters with interesting dynamic what wasn't given time to explore#free real estate for us fans
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#it is#WAY TOO EARLY IN THE DAY#to be this anxious#maybe im having a heart attack wnfhejf it fuckign feels like it#its like oops! just woke up!#time for the feeling no one will ever choose you first over anyone else and youll always be second best in life!#what the fuck brain can i have#one good day please#without wanting to cry or feeling like im gonna be stuck forever where i am now#THIS TOO SHALL FUCKING PASS SO HELP ME GOD#BUT IT COULD PASS A LITTLE FASTER YOU KNOW?#caspost#tbd#the cosmic sadness you cannot shake which shapes itself around the belief you are inherently unwanted even though you know logically#it isnt true
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#i think i first listened to this song around the time Behind The Codes became an official project#My brain probably associated the feelings of excitement and fear with the song so ig that's why I love it so much#On one side. I love working on the Behind The Codes#there's an overwhelming amount of ways to tell this story: brainstorming. designing. animating. writing and rewriting until your brain-#starts to fry and get foggy with so many ideas. its both good and stressful to push your limits like this#On another side. I'm constantly anxious about it#I've always been afraid to admit the things I enjoy as well as the things that i create#You don't allow yourself to create and embrace new things even when you're essentially alone#and yes I'm aware of the fact that there will be people who won't enjoy the series- which isn't what bothers me#What bothers me is that I might regret certain decisions#'This is not the message I wanted to convey'#'This is not the story I wanted to tell'#The decision to share this song here is the clearest example of what I mean:#Part of me says: this song is so btc oh my god please put it at the end credits wait THERE IS A 2ND PART OF IT AND IT'S EVEN COOLER OOOAAAA#then there's the main thought: this song is so stupid. it's so corny in a way it makes me uhghu7ujhkjg..#i won against my negative thoughts today. yay#this whole post is just me rambling and being anxious. i dont even know what to say hjdsfbwjkefkdsf#bye :waves:#starbstalks
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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hmmmm thinking thoughts again
#1) i know 100% certain that i am asexual and have been certain for a long time#2) my best friend and i we've been messing about nothing too far but kinda a more than friends less than lovers type situation#3) is he attractive yes do i enjoy the affection and attention yes and yet this leads to#4) every time we spend time alone for a significant period of time (like tonight) i always end up anxious and bad tummy ache#like not fun :(#but i trust him and im relaxed when hes around its after he leaves that it hits#but its only after we've been close and personal together not like on a day to day basis#so 5) am i not enjoying the physical attention as much i thought? or is it from past shit ? or idk#bc i know im not aro bc i do experience attraction#but its all so frustrating#bc i want to be able to stop being tense and anxious at the thought of being intimate with him bc the attraction is there#its just not right like it doesn't feel natural like i have to think about everything i do#i dont fucking know#humans and attention and romance and touch and all that shit is fucked up idk#irl
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i think I've said it before but it bears repeating probably fhdksl - I do not know Anything about many many popular media franchises. i know basically Nothing about popular anime, gacha games, tv shows, etc.
i do not want to be afraid of ppl freaking out at me for accidentally interacting w someone who ships w an irredeemable character (incestual, rapists, pedophiles, or participated in/led genocides). for this reason, i tend to stick to only interacting w original posts from ppl i follow and somewhat trust, but if i rb from someone who ships w a character who's truly disgusting, pleaaaase let me know lol
i promise i just Do Not Know about the character. i am simply unaware of most pop culture :')
#i have very narrow interests and very little energy and focus to expend on things i dont find Really Interesting#i am tired of feeling like im walking on eggshells all the time around here idk fhdkdl like its probably just me being unwell but. shrug.#it is like. 99% me being paranoid and anxious and 1% some of the behaviour of the general community at large#if u have an issue w smth i have said or rbed - let me know! i am very happy to hear ppl out!#i am very willing to delete posts/change my mind/rethink things/look into smth - whatever the situation calls for!#none of this is said angrily btw fhfkdl it is said with a thumbs up and a tired and ''wants things to be better'' energy#i get scared so often that im going to wake up and check tumblr and see I've been blocked by like. everyone.#and i just Won't Know the reason for it fjdkdl (this has not happened to me before so idk why i worry abt it honestly)#genuinely though if anyone ever has any issue or discomfort w smth I've said feel free to bring it up w me#i very much want to always improve and expand my perspective and learn and grow#and im very willing to look into things myself! i just occasionally need it pointed out to me so i see it and have a direction to go in#dandy.cmd
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god i hate when people are rude about penny 💥
#at this bloodwork place bc my grandma has to get blood drawn and i like. need 2 be w her bc she needs help w shit#and of course i have penny with me cause like. she gets scared if shes left home alone and *i* get get anxious if shes not around#and we're in the waiting room and its totally fine. shes not barking or jumping or anything just sitting politely between my feet#n this nurse guy comes out and pets her etc its all good and then this lady comes out and is like ermm.#thats clearly not a service animal. and you should know better than to bring random animals into a medical building 🙄.#which yea i understand but i always. bring her w me to the doctor and stuff bc. i need to. and its never a problem bc shes polite n behaved#but like idk. feels bad !#didnt even answer her bc i was embarassed so now im just sitting in the car while my grandma finishes getting her blood done#i know people get fucked abt esa animals vs service animals and how you shouldnt bring your “untrained dog” in public etc#but if they arent bothering you and are well behaved and on a leash then why tf do you give a shit#(in this case i know its a medical building but again. i take her to the doctor w me all the time. and its always totally fine.)#(ive had blood drawn w her in the room. i dont rly understand)
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many of you may be unaware that i have been going cazyyyy over herobrine qnd mc lore in general recently. im in my beautiful world
#the like 2 ppl who follow me on bluesky and the same 2 ppl who follow my gaming blog LOL#but ouygghhhh oughh#life is so beautifklll. steve and alex ARGHHHHHH#in my minddddd ok um. im gonna make a proper post for my hcs for them soonish hopefully#but in my mind. steve is like very anxious and realllyy rwlly struggles around most ppl#he grew up in a veryyy small community and didnt rlly fit in well so he left#he has dissociative amnesia and has ptsd from seeinh someone (maybe his parents) die to mobs as a child#he is kinda alright at building simple stuff but not very fancy. r/malelivingspace#he struggles to kill monsters cus of his trauma and to kill animals bc he feels bad. lol#he has a little farm of chickens for eggs. and mostly livess off those and bread#hes not veggie he just cant kill them himself. he later gets hero/alex to get meat instead#ummm i think he wld enjoy cooking nice stuff and likes to decorate the house nicely. but struggles to do it for himself#so only once the other two come along#alex comes from a family of hunters. so she is rlly nifty w a bow and able to fare slightly better in combat#she has a huge interest in the ancient miners and their history. big collector of books and maps etc#she makes redstone things from old blueprints she finds but otherwise isnt great at it#she is audhd. actually teah all of them r autistic btwwww.#she is not great at building cus she moved around a lot. and finds mining boringggg#but it works nicely cus steve collects a load of ore. and then she uses it to trade etc#she is much better at talking to others (as in… it doenst make her feel sick likw w steve)#so whenever they go to villages she does all the talking. and often tries to barter too (mostly unsuccessfully)#she ends up staying w steve after some sort of incident where her family/community die too LOL#i shld say that ummm. families in mc r not like in real life. so in the case of steve and alex they were not directlyraised by their parents#this is mostly due to how often ppl outside of villages die. its easier to not focus so much on blood relation#herobrine. is originally ender. and ends up in the overworld during the time of the ancients#long story short he plays a big part in the rise and fall of the civilisation. and then goes into hiding#he can come across as rather formal and old fashioned sometimes due to his history#but he has also been sitting around doing fuck all for thousands of yrs. so he is always up for whtever steve and alex r doing#he doesnt talk aloud too much and when he does its very stilted. he finds telepathy slightly easier#UM he is great at building. and redstone and brewing. i ran out of tags Okay thats it
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I think I have avpd. I just relate a lot to the symptoms I've found and listening to people talk about it I resonate with too
#i saw some people say. despite having such an intense need for connection and belonging they just self sabotage and have a genuiene fear#i felt that so hard.#i know i have rocd but i never understood why it was so bad. why i always felt so alienated all the time#why i let myself just fall into the background. why i have such a naturally anxious demeanor and overthink comfortable silence.#i worry too much all the time about how im percieved and the fact that i dont fit in and i could never wrap my head around why#or why i push people away all the time for seemingly no reason. i even used to do it in highschool.#getting close to people. being vulnerable with them. its so so anxiety inducing for me.#i thought it was avoidant attachment but it feels like more than that. i dont know.#it would make sense ... im worried im faking it though. idk.#i want to ask my therapist what she thinks. i brought it up before but she kinda brushed it off as avoidant attachment#idk. ive been thinking about it a lot but i also dont want to fakeclaim.#diary
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